The waiting game

So now we are playing the waiting game. If you do a google search for 2ww or two week wait IVF, you can read numerous stories about the dreadful two week wait. This is the time from the embryo transfer to the time for the blood pregnancy test. My mind wonders all over the place. I go from thinking about how to set up the nursery for a single baby and for twins. I think about names, Christmas', work schedule, birth, introducing the baby or babies to my family, my mom and dad holding their first grandchild(ren), watching Chris hold his child, etc... I then find myself thinking about what is the next step if this doesn't work. I am trying my hardest to stay positive, but that is soooooo hard to do when you have been through this so many times and always ended with "Sorry Mrs. Crowson, but the test was negative. You will need to come in and have a consultation with the doctor to discuss the next step." I hate that!!!! That is the worst thing possible in this situation. It is like someone just takes a bat and knocks you in the stomach. I am praying that this doesn't happen this time.

So I am feeling ok other than the crazy thinking games that go on in my head. I worry myself at times because I have no symptoms really. I didn't have anything other than about 40 mins of cramping on and off the one day. I didn't have spotting. I haven't really had any other pregnancy symptoms. I still have sore boobs, but that came from all the hormones pumping in my body. I have gotten naseaus a couple mornings after eating breakfast. That is also the time that I take a new pill, so I don't know which that is from. I know that I wouldn't be far enough along to really be "feeling" pregnant. I just wish I somehow knew something. You would think in a world of technology that we have these days, somehow we would be able to know sooner. Guess that is God's way of being in control. I have found it a little easier to read some stories of IVF success and failures online. It has given me hope. It is good to hear other people that truly know what I am feeling and going through. I don't think any man will every understand and woman won't completely understand unless they go through it. Trust me, I don't wish this on anyone!

I am just sitting around taking it easy like the doctor ordered. Since the embryo transfer, I still take the progesterone injections. I am also continuing taking folic acid. I now have to take an estrace pill at 9am, 2pm, and 7pm daily for the next couple weeks. I have two patches (they look like a nicotine patch) that I change every 4 days. I am not exactly sure what is in the patch. It is the least painful of everything I have taken so I am ok with it :).

I have been asked several times how I can manage to keep such faith after all of these times of failed treatments. I have been thinking about that lately as well. I know deep in my heart that God will provide us with kids. I know that God has a plan for us. Even at times when I have been sooooo disappointed and mad at God for yet another failed treatment, my heart knows that He is still with me and going to pull me through. It wasn't in His plan yet. I don't know why I have been through all of this. I feel that without the faith that I have, I have nothing to live for. What is the use of life if you don't believe in God and His plan for us? What do you have to look forward to? I need God! Without Him, I wouldn't be who and what I am. I think if anything, this situation has allowed me to "talk" or write more about my faith in God. I am not one to talk about religion or faith in front of many people, because I always feel like I don't know enough or that I might say the wrong thing. I am getting over that slowly. I am also connecting with people and talking with people that I might not have without this situation. I am learning more about myself, and Chris and I have gotten sooooo much closer throughout this whole thing. I believe that all of this was in God's plan. I don't know what this outcome will be. I can only pray that this is it. This is the time He will bless us with at least one baby to love, teach, and share with God, our family, and friends. If that is not the case this time, I am sure it will not be easy. I am sure I will need time to more or less greive. I will need time to be disappointed, mad, angry. I am sure I will even get mad at God again, but that doesn't mean I don't know His love. That is the human nature in me. That is the raw emotions of being let down once again. In the end, I will pull through it and we will go on to the next step. We will keep going on. I won't give up. If I give up, then I will always wonder what if the next time would have been the one that worked.

Wow! That was much longer than expected. Thank you for all the encouragement, support, and love that you have all given so far. Thanks for reading this as well. I will keep you all updated. More than likely I will start doing at home pregnancy tests before going to the doctor. I know all the possibilities of false negatives and false positives. I just think that if I get a negative before going to the doctor, I will take the news just a little easier. Who knows?